daddy... in heaven

Last night while watching a video of a friend with his daddy, Bean said, "I have a daddy.... in heaven"
She said it sort of sadly and i got tears in my eyes.
She looked at Bell and said, "I don't like my daddy in heaven. I like him here... to play with me." -Bean

"I want him here to play with you too, sweetie. He would have so much fun playing with you." -me

"But, he'll be back soon." -Bean

"No.... He wont ever be back. Remember. When people go to heaven, they stay there. Daddy wont be able to play with you anymore, but he loves you very much and he knows God is taking care of you and loving you while he's in heaven. We miss him a lot though, don't we?" -me

"It's okay mommy, it'll be okay. Don't cry mommy. I right here. I hug you and make it better." -Bell

"yeah, we miss him" - Bean

yeah... we do.

I keep thinking, as time passes and despite my best efforts, that they will start to forget. I even worry about this when I ask them something about him and they don't want to talk about it or don't seem to remember.
But then, there are moments like this and I'm reminded they walk around with it the same way I do. Everything is fine, but it's always there. One minute everything is under control and then... the memory comes... that longing feeling... that desperately-missing-him feeling.
I want them to see me grieve when the tears naturally come, and yet, I already see Bell concerned when Bean talks about her daddy. She'll look at me, at my face, and she's ready to touch or hug me and tell me it'll be okay. I don't want her, or Bean to stop talking about him because it makes me cry. For now, I just try to balance the times I shed tears with the times I discuss him happily and pray for God to step in and give them (and me) His peace and comfort.