1 AM chat with God

Last night, Bell woke up crying - screaming crying. I'm not sure what was wrong, but I have a couple ideas. (It's not really the point of this post, so I'll fill you in later)
I finally got her back to sleep, but I was laying there unable to go back to sleep completely, in that stage of drifting back and forth between awake and asleep. This conversation went through my head... multiple times in different pieces, but the same questions and answers. After awhile, I picked up the notebook and pen by my bed, turned on my light and started writing it down.
Now, before someone gets all worried about me, I'm not suggesting that I actually heard the voice of God, nor am I suggesting that I know what He would say. This is just what went on, in my own head... over and over. I felt peace after writing it down.

Why God?

I love you.

This does not feel like love.

My child, you  - can not - understand my love.

Why, God? Why this way? Why not another way?

A disease of the body, a disease of the mind... both die with the flesh. A disease of the soul he had not. (i guess the God voice in my head has fancy language - i don't know.... i just wrote it how i thought it) His soul, I protected. His soul is all that remains now. It is safe here with me. 

But, Lord, you could have made him better.

I did, child. He is free now.

But you could have made him better and left him here... with me.

I am here with you always. You need nothing else.

But I want him too. 

My love sees beyond what you want. Trust me, my child. I love you. I will hold on to your soul as I hold onto his. Trust me.


When I woke up later that morning, all I felt was the peaceful feeling that I felt after initially writing it down. I would have never remembered any of it.
He always keeps His promises. They are as numerous as we are undeserving. Why do we always ask for more when He gives so much already.
...this darn flesh